The free E-meter at every desk is a valuable job perk! The Kool-Aid tasted a bit funny, though.
sprint: artificial crisis
end of sprint: abandonware
Scrum Master: CV credit for my planned escape to a new company
stakeholder: someone you can't get away with externalising your costs onto, because they can hammer a wooden spike through your heart
Project Manager: a job that no longer needs to exist in the astounding new world of Scrum! (Pay no attention to the project owners, product owners, story-writing users above you in the org chart or Scrum Masters behind the curtain.)
simplified: doesn't implement the actual business requirements
lightweight: doesn't implement the actual business requirements, but does so much more elegantly than the version that works
easy: project was born circling the drain (and doesn't implement the actual business requirements)
legacy: the version that works and implements the actual business requirements, though no sane human wants to touch it
user story: a valiant attempt to extract coherent requirements and bug reports; ends up being precise specifications for the wing feathers of the desired magical flying unicorn pony
velocity: a speed with a direction: skittering about following marketing's random hairpin turns
retrospective: blamestorm incoming!
stand-up: establishing blamestorm targets early
Inspect and Adapt: perhaps bong hits will fix my makefile
We'll put that on the backlog: ahaha fuck you
doing Agile wrong: noticing any of the above.
I do enjoy some of the jargon. empowered: do your own fucking job. "Could you just copy down these log files from these fifteen servers for me and put them on the shared drive? Thanks." "I'm sorry, I'm afraid you're empowered to do that."
Every good idea is turned into a bad one by the relentless management quest to Taylorise clue.
HT the Monastery