100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.

[reddragdiva]

• UK charity Novas Scarman goes after WikiLeaks to suppress corruption report. Pass it on.

• Senator Fielding really is a completely embarrassing moron. (Americans: imagine if the US Senate was on a knife edge and Sarah Palin had the deciding vote in any contested decision.) Facebook group.

• How to make an editor put out a hit on you. (Worked example.)

• Not only did Ars Technica quote me, they illustrated my quote with a lolcat.

• Wikimedia blog: BibleBay!

• NotN: Palin: I can replace Jackson in your hearts.

Today we took Freda to have her inward-turning right foot checked out — the younger teen had a serious problem with this and needed shoe inserts for many years. Apparently all is well, check back in a year. She did puke on the bus on the way there and on the way back from motion sickness, just to add to the fun.

This Toshiba Satellite Pro 6050 is completely weird. It was obviously the executive penis toy of its day ... but they put a Celeron in it.

Cetirizine is da bomb for stopping hay fever. It also knocks me out like a light. Still vaguely blurry.

Comments

[secretlondon]

I wonder if I'm being adversely affected by the cetirizine. It killed all my hayfever but I've been off work a lot since.

What executive penis stuff have you found in the toshiba?

[reddragdiva]

It's got stuff like the prominent speakers and the SD card slot - the latter is odd for a laptop of this vintage. It does lack an inbuilt microphone. Its entire design is to appear big: "I AM A SIGNIFICANT LAPTOP AND MY OWNER IS A CONSIDERABLY ENDOWED FELLOW."

[steer.livejournal.com]

Is "how not to write a story" a parody I miss the point of or is the author, in fact, a fuckwit? (Or perhaps doesn't read very much).


DO NOT START A STORY WITH WEATHER

When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.

DO NOT START A STORY WITH CHARACTER DESCRIPTION


Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition, seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence; and had lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her.


DO NOT START A STORY WITH THE PROTAG WAKING UP


As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.

DO NOT START A STORY WITH CLICHES

It was love at first sight. [You can't get the book from that. The second line is -- The first time Yossarian saw the chaplain he fell madly in love with him.]

DO NOT USE THE SAME FARUQING WORD TWICE IN THE SAME FARUQING PARAGRAPH

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity... etc


DO NOT START A STORY BY ADDRESSING THE READER

Everything you are about to read is a lie.

[reddragdiva]

He is an editor judging a short story competition.

There are anecdotal examples of good writers violating any "rule" you can think of. However, when editors see beginners make the same mistakes over and over, perhaps the beginners should be aware these are mistakes that get their story hurled at the wall with great force if they can't write as well as the examples you give.

(frozen) (no subject)

[steer.livejournal.com]

The thing is I didn't start casting about for counter examples at first, I just thought of famous first lines and the first three or four I came up with were all counter examples. After a while it becomes hard to think of first lines which aren't covered by his rules. Really, try it. Think of famous first lines.

"Call me Ishmael." (Do not start by addressing the reader).

(frozen) (no subject)

[steer.livejournal.com]

Or don't take my word for it, go through this list and see how many would be ruled out.

http://www.pantagraph.com/news/article_a125216a-649f-5414-88b5-76a688ea3b6a.html

1) Do not address author
2) OK
3) OK
4) Premonition
5) Character description
6) Do not repeat words
7) Grammer and speling
8) Weather
9) Do not repeat words
10) OK

(frozen) (no subject)

[reddragdiva]

In this case, the problem is writers aspiring to adequacy, and failing.

There are no rules. "Nobody knows anything." However, if a slushpile reader sees the same errors over and over, compiling a list is entirely in order and quite helpful.

Take all these rules as "don't do this unless you're brilliant and it's immediately obvious to me." He's the editor, after all.

(frozen) (no subject)

[steer.livejournal.com]

There are no rules... compiling a list is entirely in order and quite helpful.

There are no rules but let's list them anyway?

(frozen) (no subject)

[reddragdiva]

I've just described the grey area, and then you answer claiming black and white. At this point you're just trolling.

[damerell.livejournal.com]

Oh, well done. I was just looking through CSF's opening lines when I decided to read the comments - and actually CSF tends to plunge us in in the way he favours. I submit, instead, this for DO NOT USE HELPER WORDS.

"My dear Holmes!", I ejaculated.

... funny out of context, but perfectly fine in.

ETA: also, looking at it, the first para of "The Resident Patient" is blatantly a prologue, the second para begins "It had been a close, rainy day in October", and the story (like most of the Holmes stories) is littered with what he deems to be HELPER WORDS. People exclaim, cry, ask, continue, say in their bustling way, assent, remark, yell, confess, suggest, answer, and - of course - ejaculate. Doyle's style is not exactly modern, but there's nothing wrong with it.

[reddragdiva]

Conan Doyle's style would arguably have trouble selling these days. Even though it was perfect for his days.

It's the difference between "great work of music" and "will hit the Top 10 in three months."

[damerell.livejournal.com]

Aha, CSF has come through after all:

WEATHER: "A January gale was roaring up the Channel, blustering loudly, and bearing in its bosom rain squalls whose big drops rattled loudly on the tarpaulin clothing of those amongst the officers and men whose duties kept them on deck."

DESCRIPTION: "Lieutenant William Bush came on board HMS Renown as she lay at anchor in the Hamoaze and reported to the officer of the watch, who was a tall and rather gangling individual with hollow cheeks and a melancholy cast of countenance, whose uniform looked as if it had been put on in the dark and not adjusted since."

[heliumbreath.livejournal.com]

Sic transit Freda Tuesday

[reddragdiva]

*wild applause from Arkady and me*