Why I am not looking forward to re-entering the job market.

[reddragdiva]

I just found notes on two pimp calls from last April. This one was from Jobserve IT - that is to say, an IT jobs board, where you would expect the jobs to have something to do with IT. Pimp calls the previous night, emails me spec. Calls me again in the morning:

"I think you have the experience for the job."
"So I do. Tell me more about what it entails."
"It's basically helpdesk manager for the building facilities - security, air conditioning, that sort of thing. I think you'd do well at it."
"Probably. So where's the IT bit come in?"
"Well, it's not a very technical role ... not one where you get your hands dirty ... You take calls for the IT helpdesk and pass them on."
"Hmm. No, I think I'll have to pass on that one; it's not really the direction I'm heading." [translation: No thank you, I'd rather eat my own vomit than take a job I will despise passionately that will almost certainly do horrible things to what I laughingly refer to as a career, even if I would be able to do it quite well. I went into tech support to get into IT, not to get out of it.] "Thanks anyway. But if anything more suited to my CV comes up, do give me a call ..."

Second prizewinner:

"Are you up for a six month contract?"
"I certainly am."
"OK. This one, the interview will be Monday morning around 10am. You clear for that?" [This was at 5:30pm Friday.]
"Not a problem, I'd be most happy to. What's the job?"
"How's your NT4 Server and Exchange admin experience?"
"Little and none, as per my CV."
"Oh. What is your area, then?"
"Solaris admin for developers, and tech support from bottom to top."
"Ah. Oh whoops, the line's cutting out ... n't hear you ..." *click*

The fucker didn't read my CV, then just hung up when he decided he couldn't be bothered even ending the call politely. I don't remember his name or agency, unfortunately, or I'd be sure to mention them here.

I've done well from quality recruiters with a clue, which is why I whore my CV around the pimps assiduously when it's time to do so. And know several who are wonderful human beings deserving of every consideration. (miss_soap, I'm not posting this because of the rugby. Really.) But somehow, it's the other sort that stick in one's mind. Dinner table hypothesis soon after the above (with sbp, marnameow and kitty_goth, I think) was to make a law that IT recruiters be required to change their names to append "-Fuckwit", and only be allowed to change it back if found not to be one. Say, by a 90% majority vote of all the jobseekers they deal with in a six-month time frame. I realise metadata in filenames is not the Right Thing, but I think it would provide more personal incentive to reform than a central registry or a hidden tag.

Oh, just found a third one. I, uh, have no comment. Really. I certainly wouldn't impugn their professionalism or anything with this post:

From: "Xxxxx Xxxxx" <Xxxxx@xxxxxxxx.com>
To: <fun@thingy.apana.org.au>
Subject: XXXXXX JOB SPEC - Embedded C
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 11:29:27 +0100
>From fun  Fri May 24 20:32:44 2002
X-MS-Has-Attach:
X-MS-TNEF-Correlator:
Thread-Topic: XXXXXX JOB SPEC - Embedded C
Thread-Index: AcIDDeHXe9InPcLQSpit/kIhT1CQxA==

David,

I have a vacancy with a Company based in Hertfordshire  for an EMBEDDED
C ++ ENGINEER that may be of interest to you.

Please take a look at the Job Spec below. If this is of interest to you
please reply A.S.A.P with your CV that you would like to have put
forward for the role and your salary expectations and I will contact you
to discuss the role further before submitting your CV to our Client.

If this is totally irrelevant please accept my apologies.

Regards,

Brad Gold
Xxxxxxx Limited
0845 xxx xxxx

This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are
addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify
postmaster@xxxxxxxx.com


Job Spec:


My client is looking for an Embedded C, C++ Engineer with extended
knowledge in Hardware Engineering.

We currently require people who have had prolonged exposer to Motoroller
Compiller Code, some one who is able to write Algerythums to write
Silcon Chips and have knowledge of FPGR - FP Gater Rate.

The company are the largest manufacturers of device programmers in
Europe
The company exports around 50% of its production, to all parts of the
world where devices need to be programmed, including the USA, Europe and
South East Asia. It covers all areas of the market including engineering
office high performance programmers, hand-held field-upgrade programmers
and production programmers where high speed and reliability are
paramount. Its 803 gang production programmer is currently the fastest
product on the market.

They are offering 35k p/a to the wright candidate and a career with
unlimited scope.

I have removed agency details, but kept the name of the pimp because he's the one who (a) sent out keyword spam (b) without using a spellchecker.

Comments

[dan-lane.livejournal.com]

Ahhh that same thing happened to me... some fuckwad hung up on me.... usually I'm polite and I don't mind recruiters calling me, even though I'm not looking for a job.

The fucker in question asked me if I was interested in somesuch position, I said I'm actually happily employed in a permanant position at the moment, he asked if I knew anyone else who was looking for work... I started to say "No, I'm afraid I don't" ... but wasn't given time to finish the "afraid".

I have now started to take a note of the agency names in case it happens again, I was so fucking furious.

Sometimes I mess about, and just as a call is ending I say "Oh by the way $otherpersonsname..." then hang up.

its funny... really, but its only funny 'cause its FUCKING annoying.... and I'd never do it to someone unless I had a good relationship with them that wouldn't be damaged by such a harsh joke.

[hserus.livejournal.com]

You haven't run across Indian "body shoppers" yet, have you?

They are the sort that say stuff like "This client wants 15 years experience in Linux", and then suggest that you just add the stuff into your CV anyway.

[wednesday]

Mine all want me to take $6/hr and work someplace I can't commute to by train. And be phone firewall because I have SOOOOOOO much experience.

[andricongirl.livejournal.com]

i cant believe they just hung up, how fucking rude,
it just ain't 'wright' ;)

[damerell.livejournal.com]

Why can't you believe it? If pimps could make money cleaning toilets they'd do it, but that's a job that demands some actual competence.

[valkyriekaren.livejournal.com]

£6 p/h? Sheesh, you could get more than that doing secretarial.

[inulro.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I do. Considerably more than that. My emergency "I have to take this assignment or I'll starve" rate is considerably more than that. And I don't even live in London.

[reddragdiva]

Now, now, don't be unnecessarily rude. There are many fine, decent and competent recruiters. Why, there's at least three in London alone.

[wednesday]

Apparently either that's just how saturated the NT admin-slash-PC tech market is, or that's how little my skills are worth. I've never been able to pull down the standard OMGWTF IT salary in any event.

I'd probably kill myself after a week of secretarial -- my second job in this country was close enough to it, and I pretty much hated myself and the world during that stretch.

[rataxis.livejournal.com]

then give me their $deity-damned numbers ;-)

[reddragdiva]

I didn't say they were in IT ...

[damerell.livejournal.com]

Ahhh.

I'm do believe that in other fields "pimp" is an insult, not a polite synonym for "lying sack of shit". I mean computer pimps only.

[daneel-olivaw.livejournal.com]

If they cover the scientific fields I'd appreciate their numbers...

[sclerotic-rings.livejournal.com]

Sad fact is, they aren't really looking for anyone at all. Those body shoppers demand (and I've had some that threw tantrums on the phone because I wouldn't lie on my resume) those ridiculous skills because they already have some pathological liar on tap for the position who says, without even the slightest bit of shame, that he has 20 years of Java experience. The idea here is to get someone else to back him up ("See, we have two people with 20 years of Java..."), and then outsource the position to the Indian because the poor schmuck pressured by the body shopper is asking for too much money.

I had one of these calls not too long ago. I knew it was a body shopper, and I knew he was lying about my chances, so when he asked about my going rate, I said "I'm willing to start for as little as $8 an hour." I'd never heard someone's entire digestive tract run in reverse before...

[sclerotic-rings.livejournal.com]

Boy, concerning that third winner...you sure he isn't American? I'm sorry, but only an American MBA could torture basic spelling like this...

[reddragdiva]

hserus is Indian. It sucks just as much there too.

[sclerotic-rings.livejournal.com]

I know. I worked with quite a few H1-Bs from India when I was at Intel and Frito-Lay, and I'd have taken a bullet for any of them. Sadly, they were getting crewed blind by the recruiters; they knew it, but really didn't have an option if they wanted to use their skills to best effect. That's why I agree with you: all recruiters should legally change their surnames to "Fuckhead" until they prove that they aren't. (In fact, I'd like to amend that: if they're particularly foul, they should be required to change their Christian names to "Child-Sodomizing" for a period of no less than five years or until they formally apologize to each and every last candidate they offended. I look forward to the calls: fifteen or twenty messages from different companies, all starting with "Hi, Paul! I'm Child-Sodomizing Fuckhead. I came across your resume on the Internet, and I have a rilly exciting opportunity for you..."