Paris Hilton to be sent to Rwanda.

NEW YORK, New York, So Awful They Named It Twice (U! News) — Her trip to Rwanda has been postponed, but P*r*s H*lt*n is still determined to use her celebrity status for good causes, and never mind what the causes in question think.

"I want to travel the world," the 26-year-old celebutarde said in an interview with Extra. "I feel like there's a lot I can do, and a lot I can do to help. I've heard there are even needy people outside Los Angeles. I know! Unbelievable!" Hilton's philanthropic trip to Rwanda is expected to be focused on visits to schools and health care clinics.

An additional effect will be to stave off future genocidal outrages in the beleaguered country. "If there's one thing that can unite battling peoples," said a spokesman for the United Nations, "it's someone they both hate more. Miss Hilton's visit is the best opportunity we've seen so far in this regard."

In scientific tests, exposure of counselors, mediators, experienced diplomats and future Catholic saints to Paris Hilton led to murderous rage in fifteen to thirty seconds. "If we drop her into the worst areas, they should rip her into ten thousand shreds in short order, each fragment being every bit as annoying as the original. Spreading these evenly throughout trouble spots should focus people's hatred nicely and keep them focused on someone who really truly does deserve every horrible thing you can think of, and who will still be too fucking dumb to notice."

Hilton failed to understand all these big words, smiling and nodding throughout. "The charity is doing restructuring and figuring things out," she said. "But I know Rwanda went through a lot of traumatic experiences, and I feel like if I go there, I can help save some people's lives.

"I want kids to know, even if you're 15 or 16 years old, you can do something. Be born rich, leak a sex tape, do your jail sentence in luxury."

• The entire population of Rwanda "What have I done to deserve this?". The Dangerous Book for Genocidal Children, October 30, 2007

Met police ticketed for "disrupting traffic" in Menezes killing.

WHITEWASH, Westminster, Thursday (UNN) — London's Metropolitan Police force has been ticketed for disrupting the flow of traffic when officers pursued Brazilian Jean Charles de Menezes to a Tube station and shot him seven times, also nearly shooting several other passengers and the Tube train driver. The force was fined £50 and three points were added to Sir Ian Blair's licence.

During the trial, the jury heard that Scotland Yard commanders had made a string of errors on 22 July 2005 that culminated in the death of Mr Menezes, and ultimately an unwarranted delay to the flow of commuters during the morning rush hour.

In deciding on a penalty, Mr Justice Henriques said he was aware that a heavy fine would result in a loss to the public purse and a reduction in essential policing. "So we'll make very sure we don't do anything so silly. Let alone manslaughter charges or anything that the common people might have considered bloody obvious."

After the verdict was delivered, he said: "This was very much an isolated breach brought about by quite extraordinary circumstances. So we can put it aside for now, draw a line under this entire unfortunate happenstance and get on with giving the police a right to hold suspects for 180 days as they may happen to wish to. Gin and tonic down at the club later? Top hole!"

The Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) said it hoped to publish its full report into the case within days, but "disciplinary issues" were still to be decided, particularly how to extend suspension with full pay until retirement so that the cases softly and silently vanish.

The Old Bailey jury said police chief Cressida Dick, who led the operation, bore "no personal culpability" despite her name being really very silly.

Mayor of London Ken Livingstone said the guilty verdict made it more difficult for police to protect the capital against terrorism, rather than the problem being e.g. gross police incompetence or anything.

• The next bloke over "They said they found child porn in his backpack". No really, I read it in the Sun!, November 1, 2007