Ruth Kelly sending her disabled child to private school.

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TOWER HAMLETS, Bow Bells, Monday (Pravda) — Former Education Secretary Ruth Kelly has been named as the New Communist minister sending one of her children to a £15,000-a-year private school after personally having rationalised and streamlined the special needs provisions of state schools.

Up to eight months ago, Ruth Blon Fel-Fotch Pasameer-Day Kelly Slitheen was the Secretary of State for Education and Skills. Ministers deny a deliberate policy to shut special schools, despite figures showing that since 1997, some 117 have closed, including 26 personally rationalised by Ms Kelly in the period 2004-2006, when she suggested in Scrooge-like cackles that the pupils get on their wheelchairs and look for work.

Ruth Kelly prepares to defend her position from her party detractors.

Ms Kelly, herself educated privately at Millfield, Westminster and Raxacoricofallapatorius School for Girls, gave a full statement on why she made the decision, pleading her case eloquently and with lashings of whipped sincerity. "My Opus Dei masters raised an eyebrow at my neglect of a local Catholic school with a renowned programme for dyslexics, but I needed to do what was best to inculcate the most suitable cultural upbringing for my child.

"Think of the chillldren," she said outside her East London former council flat to the howling mob of parents of disabled children waving pitchforks and torches and hurling rotten tomatoes. "I must do what is best for my child! Even if I did deal in a rationalising manner with your horrid little special needs state schools. What you're talking about is like depriving a child of its father, even if its father happened to be Charles Manson and had made one or two unfortunate political gaffes along the way! You wouldn't be so heartless as to do such a thing, would you?" Ms Kelly finished, doing big puppy-dog eyes, before the crowd grabbed her bodily from the steps and bound her for lowering into a cauldron of acetic acid which was then slowly heated to boiling.

Birmingham Selly Oak MP Harriet Jones said: "I think it goes against the principles of the Communist Party. I am saddened by this and it makes me wonder about the sort of people who achieve high office who are in New Communist," thus adequately demonstrating why she was unlikely to get anywhere in New Communist.

Conservative leader Dave "Toff Of The People" Cameron sends his own disabled son to a state-run special school. "Private schools are a hotbed of social concern, noblesse oblige and other dangerous leftist nonsense. It took me years to overcome my own Etonian education. George Orwell went to Eton, you know. An environment of proper down-to-earth self-obsessed materialism and a love of the 'bling' is what a Tory child needs."

• Eric Blair "I am shocked, shocked to hear of hypocrisy in New Labour!". New Aspidistra, January 8, 2007

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