Crippled diseased genetic fetishisation wins Crufts.

[reddragdiva]

PIT OF DESPAIR, Birmingham, Tuesday (UNN) — A South Somerset Atrocity Terrier named Soberhill Black Medik Markenbrow Beatrice Vraibleu has beaten 25,000 canine rivals to win Best of Show at this year's Crufts in Birmingham.

The event, held in the Gladiator Pit at Birmingham's National Exhibition Centre, attracted more than 143,000 freak-show ghouls and failed concentration camp doctors.

Soberhill Black Medik Markenbrow Beatrice Vraibleu is owned by top breeder Diana Mosley-Mengele, 48, of Gloucestershire. "It is unbelievable. This dog has done so well. It is the greatest accolade you could wish for. We may have to think about retiring him now because there is nothing left for him to do. Of course, we can't breed from him, because the genitalia have been entirely bred out of the line in order to allow the extra legs to grow in."

Soberhill Black Medik Markenbrow Beatrice Vraibleu, the South Somerset Atrocity Terrier who won this year's Crufts. Note the exquisite and much-prized ulceration patterns on the flank.

Second place went to a one-year-old pit bull terrier called Thatcher, who, in a virtuoso display of the breed's skills, ate one of the judges.

Dog breeding in the UK is concerned with every detail of a dog's appearance. "The perpetual haemophiliac bleeding from the snout must trickle along approved lines," said Miss Mosley-Mengele. "In addition, the lifelong whimperings of pain must be pitched between 3000 and 5000 Hertz. I had to drown four bags of culls on this point in the last month alone."

Other events in the Arena yesterday included the Flyball Team semi finals and finals, the Agility International Invitational and a parade of Obedience winners. Particularly good showing in the Obedience trials came from those dogs who helped in corraling their fellow canines and assisted their owners in the vital genetic and surgical work needed to further the show-dog hobby.

Victoria Stilwell, star of the TV show Cull The Unterhünd, set a few hearts aflutter around the show whilst filming a special episode of the popular programme and personally chopping up bloody hunks of cull to throw to the aspiring Crufts entrants.

Crufts was established in Argentina in 1946 by public-spirited recent German immigrants who felt their skills and hobbies were no longer welcome in their homeland. This year's event has been overshadowed by accusations that the show is cruel, with animal charities and the International Criminal Court in the Hague expressing their concerns. Show organiser the Kennel Club is putting measures in place to deal with the problem, starting with kidnapping PETA activists and mincing them for dog food.

• Harold Shipman "Trust me, I'm a veterinarian". Fourth Reich'n'Roll, March 12, 2007

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Uncyclopedia, CC by-nc-sa 2.0. Inspired by spikeylady.

Comments

[arkady.livejournal.com]

The photo is a bit too much. I'm glad you put it under the lj-cut, but personally I'd rather not see it at all. That's overdoing it, IMO.

It's one thing to be caustically witty about Crufts, it's another to be just downright nasty.

[reddragdiva]

Pekinese bred to have eyes prone to falling out? Crikey, I'm not sure I'm nasty enough.

[arkady.livejournal.com]

Then use a pic of one of those instead of a rotting dead dog. The dog suggests you're just going for the gross-out factor and people won't bother reading it properly. Show one of these "bred to monstrosity" dogs and you're more likely to draw someone in.

[sclerotic-rings.livejournal.com]

That sinks it: we're giving you a raise. (You know, I came perilously close to naming my last savannah monitor "Thatcher": I was leaning toward either "Thatcher" or "Gingrich" when the little bastard proceeded to shit all over his cage, leaving it looking as if Ralph Steadman had bunked there for the week. So "Steadman" it was.)

[sclerotic-rings.livejournal.com]

I have to agree, but then I'm the sort of evil monster who refers to Shi Tsus as "Purina Komodo Dragon Chow". I agree with Mike Royko: "At least cats can catch mice. The only thing a small dog can catch is the sniffles."

[vivien-claw.livejournal.com]

err.. with you on that one...

yiiik!

[reddragdiva]

True. I should photoshop an improbable mutant.

[reddragdiva]

I actually nicked it from a comic cymrys owned, where the hero had a pit-bull called Thatcher.

[lovelybug.livejournal.com]

*puts up hand for improbable mutant*

[reddragdiva]

Heh. When I get home this evening.

[sclerotic-rings.livejournal.com]

I'm reminded of the otherwise godawful film Where The Buffalo Roam, where the "attack" code word for Hunter Thompson's Dobermans is "Nixon". They immediately go for the crotch at that moment, and I've always wondered if I could train crocodile monitors to kill on the word cue of "Dubya".

[reddragdiva]

arkady suggested the perfect replacement: an actual no-foolin' no-exaggeration highly-bred pedigree dog.

[xlerb.livejournal.com]

That's a dead dog? I thought it was a large rat.

[reddragdiva]

That's the new pic. It's an actual no-foolin' no-photoshop no-exaggeration highly-bred pedigree Chinese Crested. I urge you to contemplate for a moment that someone wanted a dog to look like that, to the point where looking like that is a standard multiple dog breeders work towards.

[arkady.livejournal.com]

reddragdiva changed the photo; originally it was a dead rotting dog. I pointed out that a photo of an actual pedigree dog would be far more effective. That "large rat" is an Chinese Crested that did, indeed, win a great many dog shows. It's actually meant to look like that - no Photoshopping necessary.

Why go for shock gross-out value with a dead rotting dog shot when an actual pedigree creature gets the point across so much better?

[sclerotic-rings.livejournal.com]

That's no dog: that's a Sumatran rat-monkey!

[arkady.livejournal.com]

That's an insult to the monkey....