Surfer dude stuns physicists with theory of everything.

[reddragdiva]

Dr Lisi with 222 very close personal friends, each corresponding to one of the 240 roots of E8. If his next 18 very close personal friends match the theory, it will be proven. "It's not finished yet, of course," he says. "I did have to establish the angle of the right eyebrow empirically."

OAHU, Hawaii, Thursday (UnNews Science) — Laid-back surfer dude Garrett Lisi is wowing the world of theoretical physics with his new paper "An Exceptionally Simple Theory Of Everything," reducing all fundamental physical forces to a single mathematical construct, the E₈ Lie group.

Like many an unsung genius, Dr Lisi has failed to turn his theory into bucks. "Being poor sucks. It's hard to figure out the secrets of the universe when you're trying to figure out where you and your girlfriend are going to sleep next month."

Physicists worldwide were agog at the news of Dr Lisi's discovery. "Dude," said Lee Smolin of the Perimeter Institute for Theoretical Physics, "did you hear that? He has a girlfriend. He — has — a — GIRLFRIEND. Duuude!"

Dr Lisi's theory is "so simple a string theorist could grasp it. I was out surfing, the equation

floated into my head, and I went 'Holy crap, that's it!'"

A representation of E8, assembled by Dr Lisi one evening after scoring a particularly mellow sample. The white dots are girlfriends worth knowing, the green dots are sexy but crazy. A macho hunk of physicist who can negotiate their way through the 58-dimensional 240-node construct here illustrated can talk their way into and back out of anything. In bed.

Dr Lisi's theory notably bypasses problems with string theory, presently the favoured approach to unifying the Standard Model of particle physics with gravity. "String theory is something that doesn't work, for guys without charm or a personality. No romantic prospect worth talking to will take a string theorist seriously. Even on bikinis it's just for decoration — any serious surfin' girl knows to wear a one-piece.

"String theorists are the sort of pain-in-the-ass nerds who hassle anyone with a female name showing up on IRC. Can you imagine those dweebs even being in the presence of a female without peeing themselves? Hahahahaha!"

Czech mad scientist Dr Luboš Davros-Motl pooh-poohed Dr Lisi's theory. "Dr Lisi's theory is pooh-pooh," he said from his fourteenth-century castle high on a crag in Transylvania. "It is typical of anti-string crackpots with IQ below 100 who control academia. Crackpot Garrett Lisi does not understand the difference between fermions and bosons! Cranks with their 'theories of everything' who know less than 1% what I do and whose IQ is 45 below mine! Literally an inferior species! Standard Model has been proven to be a consequence of compactified heterotic string theory back in 1985! Lisi and Smith and Sheppeard and Hossenfelder will NEVER get onto hep-th on arXiv! 4 simultaneous 24 hour Days within only 1 rotation of 4 quadrant Earth! They are EDUCATED EVIL and STUPID! STUPID STUPID!" Dr Davros' henchmen then started waving large clubs with spikes in the direction of our reporter, signaling the end of the interview.

Dr Lisi is not fazed. "String theory is a dying field," he said. "I mean, it's not like they're going to reproduce."

• Dude! "... Wait, what?". Holy crap!, November 16,2007

Comments

[zotz]

Today's Guardian's got a big interview with Professor Higgs. What's the world coming to?

[strangedave.livejournal.com]

I like the timecube riffs. How soon we forget great internet cranks of the past.

[reddragdiva]

On the particle physics blogs, Lubos Motl seems to be a really special fellow. Half the sentences (IQ and so on) are things he's actually said on this very topic.

[individuation.livejournal.com]

My boyfriend's sister is dating him (and has been for years)

How weird is that??

[individuation.livejournal.com]

ps: Yes - she is the "girlfriend" he refers to. Since James and I have been dating she has lived in a van in hawaii then an apartment. Then they lived with James's mom. Then they lived with a rich friend of Garrets. Now they're house sitting for a buddy in Tahoe. He does not NEED to be poor by the way. He could EASILY get a job teaching at a university given the work he's done (especially this) and the number of conferences he gets invited to speak at. He's poor because he's all he wants to do is surf and snowboard. Good thing his girlfriend is a very sweet and accomodating artist :)

[reddragdiva]

ZOMG SMALL INTARWEB!

[reddragdiva]

See, the trouble with mathematicians is that they're artists too ;-)

[reddragdiva]

1995-2005 was computer geeks getting all the chicks, this time it's the mathematical physicists' turn.

[velellavelella.livejournal.com]

Hi brother's girlfriend. I won't look at your blog if you don't want me to - I think you said it is private. I just had to let you know we found you out. It is such a small world. By the way, isn't this article funny? I love it! I hope you're doing well. If you're bored any time, you're welcome to call and talk. Also, try not to be shocked with anything on Mauitian's blog if you do read it. (He writes really well) I also think I have stuff it would be weird for family to see, but am okay with in every other way. He does value his time, but lately physics has been a full job. I am hoping we are able to be healthier and happier with our lifestyle too. It's possible that all of this press will be really good for us, or really bad. Either way it will mean a change, and I look forward to most of life's twists.

I should talk to you more! I miss you and James a lot!

[reddragdiva]

Good Lord. Now all we need is Lubos Motl dropping by.

[velellavelella.livejournal.com]

No we don't. He scares me. I don't like it. Happy to make your acquaintance.

[reddragdiva]

If you think of him in a fourteenth-century castle on a crag in Transylvania proving the Time Cube using string theory, then ... no, I expect he'd still be scary.

[velellavelella.livejournal.com]

Still scary.

[individuation.livejournal.com]

*big love*
Glad we got to chat today :) I promise to be better about keeping in touch.

Family and blogs strike me as things that don't mix well. You don't really want to hear me bitch about your brother not doing the dishes and working too late. But I promise to call more!! :)

[individuation.livejournal.com]

even smaller!

[gths.livejournal.com]

So what Erdos number would I get for posting in this comments thread?

[bellinghman.livejournal.com]

An imaginary one.

(But be compensated that you end up with a transcendantal Bacon number instead.)

[reddragdiva]

His assistant i_gor bringing him a brane in a jar?

[reddragdiva]

I think we'll replace them with Motl numbers. If you have been personally insulted in a physics blog by Motl, your Motl number is one. If someone insulted by Motl posts to a thread in your blog, your Motl number is two. Etc.

[velellavelella.livejournal.com]

Ah, I expect that sort of thing in relationships. But it is really up to you to feel comfortable with family reading it...and since you have said before that you are uncomfortable with it...I will go with your gut instinct. You are welcome to read and comment on my journal and Garrett's as well. However, Garrett's contains something that would make family uncomfortable. (I consider you family) So reading his is up to you. I think I can trust you to not judge us in a bad light. Maybe you'll get to know us better. And I'd like that.

[velellavelella.livejournal.com]

Ha! I think my face is going to crack from all of the laughing. Garrett's Motl # is 1. And his Erdos is #3.

[loopzilla.livejournal.com]

Strings with everything, yes, it has to be, made with guts!

[loopzilla.livejournal.com]

That's Schrödinger's cat's gut, of course...

[fionagaxim.livejournal.com]

That's the ballpark figure of what we need to store, so we need about kg of batteries. Nuclear power is the only answer.