Olympic boycott 'may cost us money.'

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The noble Chinese foreign minister (left) stands alone against the onslaught of corrupt Western interests (right) with ulterior motives daring to abuse their armoured might to call for a boycott of the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

OPIUM SQUARE, Westminster, Thursday (UNN) — Any call for a boycott of this summer's Beijing Games would be "counterproductive," the Olympics Minister Tessa Jowell has said.

Her comments come after a group of artists, Nobel Prize winners, international athletes and politicians called for a boycott of the games, citing China selling guns to Darfur militia in return for Sudanese oil, actually violating human rights more in the runup to the games than it did before, killing Falun Gong followers to sell their organs and, worst of all, selling claimed "MP4 players" that only do crappy AMV videos, lying bastards.

The Chinese foreign ministry was quick to respond, stating that those calling for a boycott have "ulterior motives". "They claim to have a higher motivation than working for prosperity. I find this highly implausible. They just don't understand our actions in Darfur!"

Ms Jowell said calls for a boycott are a "great pity" and Britain is still committed to attending the games. Eddie "the Eagle" Edwards in particular will be competing in several events to replace those boycotting the event. "The world has known for the last seven years that Beijing would host the Olympics. The International Olympic Committee is famous for its incorruptibility and would never pick a host city for any less than the most noble of reasons.

"Most progressive governments accept there are wholly unacceptable aspects of Chinese policy. But there are important ideals of international cooperation to consider. Particularly economic ones."

• Tessa Jowell "Oh Jesus I have to get this right for 2012 too". If we're not voted out by then, Feruary 14, 2008