Zoologists can now breed goths at will.

LEEDS, The Intrepid Ferret, Saturday (UNN) — After a record 31 births in zoos and research centres this year, Leeds scientists say they have developed a near-100% success rate for breeding goths in captivity. The population in the wild has stabilised at just over 1,500 and their habitat — one of the most important centres of biodiversity in the world — has been given a new and expanded guarantee of protection by the government.

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UK government pushes for ID cards for serial killers.

FORTRESS BRITAIN, Tomorrow (UNN) — Top stand-up comedian Tony Blair has pushed for identity cards to be made mandatory for all serial killers in Suffolk.

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