My hands are shaking when I'm touching ya. They keep shaking when I ain't.

[reddragdiva]

I saw this BBC picture of the Hemel explosion and said "Ka-BOOM!" in a Marvin the Martian voice. arkady's old flat, where she brought up her daughters, was a few hundred metres away, facing the bit that exploded. *shudder* redcountess and I saw the sky this morning and thought the weird colour meant snow was coming.

It's Hell for Suburban Husbands day. I made it out of B&Q alive with a 25kg bag of gravel, a plant pot, two plant pot trays, two powerboards and a 25-pack of blank DVD-Rs — I really need to back up my media disk and put FreeBSD 6 on the household server. The much-delayed date with Arkady depends how Liz is after a bath, though her breathing is much better even with the smell of the smoke.

cavalorn has posted a thread about polyamory (public when I posted this, now locked), as one who has given it up. So I shall now ramble.

There is no agreed-upon definition except "not straight-up monogamy." Demanding an explanation (implicitly or explicitly) from someone who subscribes to one thing that might be labeled "polyamory" for any other random thing that might be labeled "polyamory" doesn't feel particularly fair, any more than it would to require someone who said they thought they might be homosexual to defend anything whatsoever the person thought of that might be labeled "homosexuality."

I've conspicuously had the same wife and girlfriend for a couple of years, which apparently makes me some sort of expert. This is a frightening concept. OTOH, I've had few mono relationships that lasted as long as either, so it's a reasonable marker for success. And it feels at times like a bubbling explosive cauldron we have to keep from going off, but then a lot of relationships including my mono ones feel like that. So again, for my life it's going well. Which is good. By far the biggest source of problems in this poly V is that Liz is chronically ill and there's no easy way around that.

The sex, and potential for such, is a big part of it for me, because I am a tart. Liz would like the opportunity to tart even if she didn't take it (though she says there's definitely no such thing as sex without emotion for her), and Arkady has no tartlike urges at all. There's certainly no such thing as an emotional condom — I have an unduly high regard for anyone I've had sex with, even if they really don't deserve it, so I'm quite susceptible.

There's one person in Australia I can say for sure I'd be in a relationship with if it weren't for the tyranny of distance. We really like each other and click really well. Darn this being on opposite sides of the world! And a friend in the US I'd certainly be sleeping with on a regular basis if not for the distance. And there will be any number of people in London I could click just as well with I haven't met — there's a few I can think of off the top of my head that I am really keen on who are unfortunately monogamous. Falling in love with someone new will perturb existing things — falling for Arkady, which was completely unexpected (to us, if not to every single other person around us), did shake things with Liz a bit.

I am very much in love with my darlings and they make me enormously happy. I am in fact the luckiest man in the world; you just think you are.

Polyamory is a lot more work than monogamy. But then, most worthwhile things are more work than not bothering.

Comments

[sarcaustik.livejournal.com]

The main problem with polyamoury - speaking as another who has given it up - is the tendency to spend more time debating definitions than anything else.

[cavalorn.livejournal.com]

Fantastic.

Tea and biccies, I think.

[reddragdiva]

This is something I explicitly avoid. We are not some theoretical San Franciscan construct, we are us.

[rosefox]

And a friend in the US I'd certainly be sleeping with on a regular basis if not for the distance.

If that's not me, I'd like to apply for your next available opening in that department.

Ahem. *)

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

Damn damn damn, I forgot to go and get 15% off a heater and a long string of blue lights at Homebase.

[ashbet]

>>>Polyamory is a lot more work than monogamy. But then, most worthwhile things are more work than not bothering.

Bless you :D

>>>There is no agreed-upon definition except "not straight-up monogamy." Demanding an explanation (implicitly or explicitly) from someone who subscribes to one thing that might be labeled "polyamory" for any other random thing that might be labeled "polyamory" doesn't feel particularly fair, any more than it would to require someone who said they thought they might be homosexual to defend anything whatsoever the person thought of that might be labeled "homosexuality."

I said nearly the same thing . . . we've been (in a friendly fashion) arguing about this via IM all morning. But yes -- polyamory is such an inexact umbrella term that you might as well be saying "Pagan" and expecting everyone who fits that definition to act or believe in the same way.

But, yes. I'm with you (and Liz and Arkady) on this one.

**hugs**

-- A <3<3

[also-huey.livejournal.com]

I suspect I have a lengthy rant about this in me as well, and if life ever slows down, maybe I'll post it.

...it feels at times like a bubbling explosive cauldron we have to keep from going off...

Mine is just now getting to the point where that isn't "most of the time". All of the reasons I had before for "why this could never possibly work" have certainly shown themselves. Still,

...I am in fact the luckiest man in the world; you just think you are...

...my wife and girlfriend could totally kick your wife and girlfriends' asses.

[reddragdiva]

Your seconds shall meet my seconds at dawn, sir! And while they're doing that, we'll nick off down the pub.

[arkady.livejournal.com]

I'll bring the sword then, shall I?

Liz can sit back and watch. ;-)

[ex-unagothae16.livejournal.com]

I'll wrestle you in Jell-o for it ;)

[reddragdiva]

You and Nyarla will get along great ;-)

[karen2205]

This is why I prefer the term 'non-monogamous' to describe myself - that explicitly means anything which isn't monogamous, rather than polyamorous which is used in so many different ways by different people.

[reddragdiva]

I'm sure there's plenty of room for all with plane tickets!

[reddragdiva]

Not to mention a string of hot chicks you really like.

[redcountess]

yeah, I tend to refer to myself as non-monogamous myself, especially as I'm not in any other relationships presently.

[sarcaustik.livejournal.com]

Those who can, do. Those who can't argue over what to call it?

[sclerotic-rings.livejournal.com]

And a friend in the US I'd certainly be sleeping with on a regular basis if not for the distance.

I have to admit that I'm flattered, but what happens if the Czarina has issues?

[reddragdiva]

Or aren't sure, etc. The reality bears an uncertain relation to the theory!

[allezbleu.livejournal.com]

i can think of one certain boy who is definitely luckier than you ;P

why on earth would i want to share him?

aaah its horses for courses dearie!

[reddragdiva]

We can wear Star Wars masks and pretend it's live-action slash.

(*drooooooooooooop*)

[reddragdiva]

Sex with horses is hazardous!

[ashbet]

And that's an entirely appropriate term to use if you feel that it describes you (which, from the extent to which I know you, is accurate).

I use "polyamorous" because I specifically have multiple-primary-partner loving relationships, I don't have an open sexual relationship situation -- as in, I'm not looking for, or interested in, sex outside the primary relationship(s).

Know what I mean? I'm non-monogamous, but I'm also *specifically* polyAMORous, and I like to delineate that . . . polyamory is included in the set of nonmonogamy, but not all non-monogamists are polyamorous.

And I don't assign a value judgment to either label -- but I do get *really pissed off* when people assume that "polyamorous" = "one primary relationship with shagging outside of it," since that's decidedly not the case for quite a few of us.

-- A <3<3

[ashbet]

WEBCAAAAAAMMMMMM!!!

I mean, uh.

*giggles*

-- A ^-^

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of ugly boring men would have nabbed them all before I got there :/

[karen2205]

I use "polyamorous" because I specifically have multiple-primary-partner loving relationships, I don't have an open sexual relationship situation -- as in, I'm not looking for, or interested in, sex outside the primary relationship(s).

This is the main reason why I don't want to use 'polyamorous' to describe me, because I'm not and have never been in a 'primary' style relationship with anyone - let alone with multiple partners and I'd feel like a fraud for using the term. (and yeah, I know why 'primary' and 'secondary' are very useful terms, but they're not terms I'd want to use to describe myself and any relationships I have).

but I do get *really pissed off* when people assume that "polyamorous" = "one primary relationship with shagging outside of it," since that's decidedly not the case for quite a few of us.

*nods* - I don't tend to make that assumption; I've seen 'polyamorous' used to mean such different things by different people that I wait till people tell me what they mean by their use of the term.