Saint Chav.

[reddragdiva]

Saint Chav of Walthamstow is one of the even lesser British saints of late Roman and early Celtic times. He was the first Christian martyr on the island of Britain, and don't take any dissin' from the followers of that St. Alban wanker on dis point. Though he is no longer listed in the Roman Catholic calendar, the Anglican Communion or even the Pentecostal Animist Baptist Church of Chingford, he continues to be venerated wherever two or three pale skinny celts gather in his name to cast out the unbelievers and pimp da bitchez in the true Whyggere Way.

The heraldic shield of Saint Chav of Walthamstow: Or, crosses Black and Argent, banded Copper and a soupçon of White Lightning to taste.

Historical record of St. Chav

St. Chav was noted in the works of the Venerable Bede, early Britain's greatest historian, whose uncyclopedian accuracy is renowned by historians to this day. Bede notes in his Ecclesiastical History of the English Proletariat:

Chaue waf a fyne figure of Pagan youth, cafting fignef and gettin' down with ye bytchef at ye Faturday Night Wickerman Barbecue, whenne, after a tankard of mead too many, he came upon a vision of ye Fupply-Fide Iesus, who enlightened him af to ye holy nature of ye Blyng in ye gathering of ye Homies and ye Bytchef for ye fkinny short pale celt. And from thatte day on, Chaue fpoke ye word of ye Gofpel of Blyng and ye Whyggere Waye and caused to be built ye firste TK Maxx Cathedral of Blyng at Woode Greene.

Bede tells the tale of Chav's execution in his famed history No Really Guv, This Bloke Down Ye Pub Told Me:

Ye cruel Emperorf published their edictf againft ye Christianf. When demanded he convert back to Paganifm, Chaue uttered ye famouf phrase "Leave it out Guv, ye bytchef and ye crewe are wif me on dis one" and refufed to renounce ye Whyggere Waye, whereupon he waf taken to ye toppe of ye Higham Hille and hyf editting pryvylegef were withdrawn in a particularly final and conclufive manner. Hyf heade rolled all ye way down ye hille and came to refte near ye fign faying "FUTURE LOCATION OF YE FTANDARD HOTEL. GET RATARFED CHEAPE."

And fo very holy waf ye Faint Chaue that there thenne came ye change of courfe of ye river Lee Lea Lee, to ye poynte where ye head of ye Faint Chaue fell to ye Earth. Yef, it happened at that exact moment hif head fell to ye ground. And then ye Raptor Iesus came down from ye fkyef and bitte ye heade offe ye Roman Emperor, who waf just happening paft at ye time — honeft, Guv — hauing ben tranfported from Rome by flying faufer. Thus proving ye Christian nature of yese eventes. Ande yese eventes tranfpired ye day after Mafter Jack fed me a fample of hif lateft barrel of hif renownede ergot mead, a beverage of ye higheft quality for divination of hiftorical facte, even as thou one feelf af if a pyg hath shytten in one'f fkull ye mornyng afterwardf. Cheerf. *urp*

A cult connected with Chav was already in existence in the 6th century, for Bede quotes a line from one of the Carmina of Burberrius Fortunatus: "Chavius egregium f*cunda Wilcumstuw profert." ("Grossly Overly Reproductive Walthamstow by holy Chav yields," a variation of which is often said by those trying to go shopping in modern-day Walthamstow.)

Modern-day veneration

Every day is St. Chav's Day in my pants. Wanna meet my little saint, luv?

Chav remains venerated to this day in the Thames Estuary and across all of England. The followers of his Holy Way make their affiliation known in their clothing and mannerisms, no matter how pale, skinny and celtic they may in fact be.

Many have subsequently conflated St. Chav with St. George, the patron saint of England and of remarkably bad driving. Devotees of bad driving are noted for the St. George's flags out the windows of their cars, the number of flags increasing with the skill of the Georgian devotee's bad driving.

Famous sayings of St. Chav

• "Is it cos I is celt?" — his universal rejoinder to the realities of Roman oppression.
• "Go forth and multiply this, bytches." — his famed statement of the holy necessity of replenishing the Celtic population of the Thames Estuary.

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Another from Uncyclopedia, conceived while arkady and I were going down the shops a couple of hours ago and written in one burst just now. CC by-nc-sa. Heraldry nerds are most welcomed to give me the proper blazonry description of St. Chav's shield. Happy St. George's Day.

Comments

[reddragdiva]

Whatever it is, it's not natural.

[vatine]

"Natural" in Blazon-speech means "looks like it does when you find it on omsone's burberry knickers" (in this case). Specifically, it means "not in heraldic colours".

So, a nice, simple blazon. About as simple as the most complex chav, in fact (thoough I think I failed towards polysyllabic words, didn't I?).