Come into my sleep.

[reddragdiva]

A question that has come up elsewhere: How do you deal with sleeping with a friend?

It was a good idea at the time, then you wake up and go "um." Or "woohoo!" But what do they think? What's a workable etiquette? What on earth? Why is it believed that sleeping with a friend ruins the friendship? Please ramble, recount improbable tales and/or pontificate at length.

(The most difficult thing I've found seems to be how to deal with if one of you decides they want this to continue as an ongoing thing and the other doesn't. I've never quite worked that one out.)

[I want to make love to you all, by the way, because my friends are gorgeous, charming and fabulous, and I would jump you in a second. Modulo logistical practicalities. Try me if you don't believe me.]

[I am also most pleased finally to make the ideal post for this lovely icon from apiphile.]

Anonymous comments are fine, I care much more about what you have to say than who you are.

Comments

[steer.livejournal.com]

Hmm... well, I must say it's never ever been a problem.

I've been the "would prefer this to continue" and I've been the "would prefer this not to continue". As long as nobody is misleading anyone else then it has always worked out well for me -- perhaps I am just lucky or perhaps I have particularly well-sorted friends.

I have never lost a friend like this and have often been better friends with the person. I can't even think of a case where it's made things weird. Actually, I find it easier than trying to establish a friendship with an ex if we became lovers soon after meeting because then we don't have an established non-sexual friendship position we're used to.

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

I've become firm friends with several people I've had one-night stands or otherwise casual sexual relationships with. I've also had a couple of one-night stands with people I had established friendships with. I've never had any problems arise from it - in all cases we've stayed friends post-shag, with some happy memories tucked away.

I think the downfall comes when you buy into the culturally approved belief that 'sleeping together ruins a friendship'. Why should it? Only because people believe that it will, imho.

[reddragdiva]

"I've also had a couple of one-night stands with people I had established friendships with."

Yeah, that's the case I'm interested in here.

[bluehelen.livejournal.com]

Wot dennyd said.

[cookwitch.livejournal.com]

*nods*

It's just one more thing to have a giggle about to be honest. Why on earth would it ruin a stable friendship anyway? It's not something that would bother me. It certainly hasn't in the past.

[lpetersson.livejournal.com]

As long as both are mature and aren't expecting any more than casual sex I don't see a problem with it.
I've slept with a few of my best friends and found that it made conversations about sex and relationships easier and more open.
It also made us closer friends in many other ways.

But then again, I've also stayed friends with most of my ex's and generally don't have a problem with sleeping with friends as long as we fancy eachother.

The most important thing in my opinion is that both parties absolutely must be honest with eachother about whether they want to continue to have a casual relationship, whether it was a one-off or whether one or both was hoping to be more than friends...
If either party is in any way uncomfortable with making their feelings known then it could be a friendship buster...

[lpetersson.livejournal.com]

Where that has happened to me there hasn't been any problems because we were both fine with what was happening and it was just one-offs (mostly)...

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

If anybody were going to say anything other than "we stayed friends and everybody was happy" they probably wouldn't say it where the other party was reading ;)

[lolliepopp.livejournal.com]

Erm, good question. I've got to the point where I really can't have sex with my good freinds anymore because a - we've done it before and it just doesn't feel right now, b - We never have and we never will no matter what & c - We're just too close and it would feel incestuous in some way (if that makes sense)

There is someone in my life who occasionally falls through all of those arguements and yes sometime we do the sex thing, mainly because we both happen to be in the same place and the same time and feel the same level of horniness (I blame drugs).

But I do feel a wierd 'guilt' about it - like I've been using them for my own gratification, which is stupid really because I know they must get something out of it too!

I think it must a freind thing - I'm very close to my freinds and compared to some - have slept with very few of them. There is a "could have sex with this person" switch in my brain which turns off once a certain level of freindship has been reached.

L
x

[hobbitblue.livejournal.com]

It depends on the people involved, I lost a very good friend that way because after fooling around on numerous occasions he decided to make it into a big deal, re-found his religion (that's always *so* convenient, not) and decided it was immoral (no) unhealthy (possibly) and should stop. Which was fine but then it was very hard to go back to our usual hanging out together routines, and then we both met our current respective partners and we've lost touch despite my best efforts. I think he's embarrassed to remember the friends-with-benefits aspect of things and I'm not sure he's mature enough to have mentioned it to his new wife who I have yet to meet or even talk to. Awkward. *sigh*

[ladykathryn.livejournal.com]

The only time I really, honestly regret sleeping with one of my friends was right before leaving AK; he got weirded out, and didn't have time to recover before I left, so I didn't have time to say goodbye to him. Which was very sad. He was entirely unsuitable as a boyfriend, being a slutty, alcoholic, avowedly unattached and unreliable ex-pat from Newcastle, but he was an awesome friend and I loved him very much. As a friend. He's doing very well now, I've heard, but we've never recovered the friendship. Other times, it's just been one of those things that becomes part of your history together, you know? And of course, one time it worked out spectacularly :) I think it only ruins the friendship if one person or the other lets it. I've always considered sleeping with people who weren't friends a little bit odd. Why would you want to fuck someone you didn't like?

[(Anonymous)]

I think it depends mostly on other circumstances.

When it happenned with a best friend back home, it happenned once, after we drank his entire pay packet. It was alluded to obliquely fairly often, but was our dirty little secret, since he was in a nominally monogamous relationship. We stayed quite close, and laughed about it together. I reckon it would've been a lot more complicated if we'd been single. But i've not been single in 10 years.

When it happenned with a friend who was not in a committed relationship, it was actually great fun. We had the "what are we doing exactly? talk before we had sex - it came up in conversation, amazingly. We hung out and got to know one another, and occasionally had great sex. No pressure, no committment. Fabulous!

When it happenned here, it blew up horribly, mostly due to my primary relationship, but also due to incompatible expectations - I didn't feel like I had the time or energy for anything too serious. I made my excuses, and we left it there, but there were hurt feelings, and I regret it.

I think the best approach really is to just have a talk about it either *before* or very first thing in the morning after. And to be very, very frank. You are friends after all - they probably already know if you're going to obsess, or if you are going to regret it, if they search themselves enough.

To be honest, I find it easier to deal with than "will he/won't he" stuff. I pretty much know where I stand with a shag and a frank discussion. I get a bit emo if I am not sure how or if I'm wanted.

[ergotia.livejournal.com]

Bucking the trend here, I am poly but do differentiate between friends, lovers, sweeties, partners etc. Friends who shag can be a helpful concept, but I think things do change when you have sex with someone. May be they should not, but they do. So I think it is the dread communicate - examples; that was fun but I would prefer not to do it again, that was fun maybe we could do it again some time, that was fun and my feelings for you could go deeper but I have no room in my life for empotional committment right now, I have just realised I have been in love with you for years - etc.

[ergotia.livejournal.com]

I've always considered sleeping with people who weren't friends a little bit odd. Why would you want to fuck someone you didn't like?

I know what you mean, but I do sometimes get a "want sex with you right now dont care whether you are the sort of person I would be friends with" impulse, dont you ? Also sometimes I have satisfactory sex with a new person, like them just fine but dont become close friends or do it again withgg them.

[reddragdiva]

I don't mean in opposition to people you don't like, but to people you don't know all that well but fancy.

[ladykathryn.livejournal.com]

Hmm, sometimes, but I rarely follow through with it; there are too many complications! Most people I've slept with have come from within a circle of extended friendships - I'm not always best buds, but I do at least know that we won't wake up in the morning with vastly different ideas about where we're going, and I've probably been warned about hygiene issues or undesirable fetishes.

[ladykathryn.livejournal.com]

I don't like almost everyone, so that's not a hard line for me :)

[reddragdiva]

"I think things do change when you have sex with someone."

Can, certainly. "There's no such thing as an emotional condom," as I pontificate.

[lucybond.livejournal.com]

I've never slept with anyone who wasn't a friend, apart from one or two who were recent acquaintances at the time.

This has either ended up with me 'going out' with the person/people or just continuing being friends who may or may not fuck again.

Really not much of a problem, apart from a brief bout of awkwardness on my part after I got married, seeing as due to the new circumstances & attitudes of all parties, one close friend was suddenly a friend-without-benefits, so to speak.

However, I stopped feeling weird after a bit & we are the best of pals.

Although I am monogamous at this time, I can look back on my past & remember that I never worried that much about how sex might affect friendships. I'm picky, & friends with some pretty cool people, so having an attitude that sex was one of a number of good things that could be shared by people who already enjoy eachothers company hasn't really caused grief.

I know that this isn't the way it is for everyone, & I'm sure some people find themselves in all sorts of trouble, but not me, really.

[reddragdiva]

Ball gags all round!

[some-fox.livejournal.com]

I think perhaps the biggest problem in all relationships is if there is a discrepancy between what the people involved want. I think the only thing to do is to try to be open about what you want (at the time, obviously might be subject to change) and trust the other person to put themselves where they want to be around that. Not easy though when people are likely to feel hurt.

[some-fox.livejournal.com]

Oh I love that!

[reddragdiva]

The best sex I'd ever had to then was with a friend of a friend I did not like at all and she did not like me at all. I didn't even fancy her. Except we were both overcome with a mutual attack of hormones. Damn that was good.

[i-beloved.livejournal.com]

Sigh... the exciting life of "have never shagged a friend". You know how prudish I am, D :)

[siani-hedgehog.livejournal.com]

(The most difficult thing I've found seems to be how to deal with if one of you decides they want this to continue as an ongoing thing and the other doesn't. I've never quite worked that one out.)

person who wants less always wins. i mean, they may end up with *nothing* instead of what they wanted, but they always win.