BlackBerry "essential tool for business deception."

[reddragdiva]

THE OFFICE, Not The Beach, Honest, Thursday (UNN) — More than four out of five people admit to telling little white lies at least once a day, and 75 percent of people's preferred way of implementing speculative truth is voicemails, texts and e-mails sent from a BlackBerry. Using gadgets made people feel less guilty when telling a lie than doing it face to face

Just more than 40 percent said they had lied to their family or partner — on such topics as buying new clothes or the cost of them (37 percent), how good someone looked in something (35 percent), how much they had eaten (35 percent), drunk (31 percent) or weighed (32 percent), whether they still loved them (19 percent) or what those hickey-like marks on their crotch were (a whopping 71 percent).

"No, no, speak freely. I'm not bugging this meeting with my cellphone, of all things. Ha! Ha!"

The workplace was a favourite setting for talking outside the box, with 67 percent of the 1,487 respondents using their BlackBerry to fake illness, say work had been completed when it hadn't or reassure their boss that someone else had locked up on the night three laptops went missing.

Worryingly for bosses, 18 percent of employees said they had lied to hide a big mistake. Worryingly for employees, bosses sometimes used their BlackBerries in tricky games of double deception, wherein they wilfully and with malice aforethought told their employees the actual truth, just to keep them guessing.

Many corporate boards expressed their horror at the survey findings. Said Steve Jobs, "I'm shocked — oh, my stock options? Thank you very much — shocked to find that board minute faking is going on in here!"

Mark Hurd at Hewlett-Packard, however, considered the BlackBerry an indispensable business tool and absolutely essential to correct board functioning. "We have detailed operational procedures and continuous ongoing investigative plans to make sure only absolutely verifiable false information is put into the record. And, realizing the importance of the case, my men are rounding up twice the usual number of suspects. Er, could you please speak into the flowerpot more clearly? Thank you."

Others were sceptical of the significance of the findings. "Oh, come on," said David Bermingham of the NatWest Three, "it's not like you can't tell we're wankers by the sheer fact we have a BlackBerry."

The survey found that while people were dishonest, most told lies with the best of intentions and for the sake of others' feelings. And money.

• Patricia Dunn "If it's on the Internet, it must be true". Wikipedia, December 28, 2006

• Steve Jobs "Oh, those stock options?". Apple Corporate Board meeting minutes, December 16, 2001

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Another favourite image. CC-by-nc-sa 2.0.

Comments

[pndc.livejournal.com]

The problem with parody is that sometimes you end up with something indistinguishable from what you were parodying. I'm sure I've read this story before on news.bbc.co.uk...

[octalbunny.livejournal.com]

Today, the BBC says American supermarkets can't sell meat*. It wouldn't surprise me if an Uncyclopedia article slipped past their crack editing team.

* "The recommendation, coming after a five-year study, is a major step towards allowing food from animals onto US supermarket shelves." -- Source

[reddragdiva]

It annoys me deeply every time life outdoes Uncyclopedia.

[damien-wise.livejournal.com]

The other day, my sister snidely accused me of having a Blackberry and gave me a knowing look.
I had to correct her and clear my name by informing her it's a Palm Pilot...

[ewx.livejournal.com]

"talking outside the box" is an excellent phrase.

[reddragdiva]

Flapping your lips with intent to deceive.

[gothgirlyana.livejournal.com]

Are you coming out to play tonight in the dev? *bounces*

[reddragdiva]

Sadly not *sob* Liz is unwell and I have a stair carpet to rip up ...

[gothgirlyana.livejournal.com]

Aw nooooo =( *pout*

Shame I didn't get to see you!

*get well hugs to Liz*