Christian activists fight homosexual produce.

[reddragdiva]

COUNTY ANTRIM, Nor'n Ir'nd, Wednesday — The battle over gay rights in Northern Ireland has hit Ulster's dinner tables. The Christian Congress for Traditional Values, already viciously discriminated against by the new human rights laws that stop them practising their religious views by continuing to discriminate, are now working on a labeling scheme for suitable farm produce.

Eight percent of rams prefer other rams to ewes and find themselves consigned to the slaughterhouse in short order. Given this, the Concerned Fundies have ruled that their members are to refrain from eating sheep that are not certified to have actively pursued heterosexual intercourse, lest they catch Bovine Sodomite Encephalopathy from the infected meat.

The Enthusiastic Produce Association has vowed to continue the fight.

Antrim councillor Patriarch Watson said he would feel "uncomfortable" about eating gay sheep in his bed and breakfast. The father of three said the business was based in the family home, and his wife, a Christian, could be upset. Though he had no problem with the juices of lesbian ewes, he said, "as there is, after all, the possibility of conversion.

"A Christian, Jewish or Muslim butcher could be forced to serve gay meat to a gay customer. It's butcher rape. No means no!"

The CCTV refused to comment directly. "Leviticus 19:16 expressly prohibits fiction and journalism, so I don't know why I'm even talking to you, and I shall sue in a court of law should you reprint my words."

The Gay Rights arm of the Enthusiastic Produce Association has vowed to continue the fight to be killed, cut up and eaten with a sprig of mint by ruggedly heterosexual Christian fundamentalists. "We find this reprehensible," said a spokesram. "We could find it barely tolerable if only applied to rams who ate shellfish or pork, mixed linen into their wool or worked on Sundays."

Former Tory chancellor Lord Tebbit noted, "You gibbering fuckwits make me seem progressive and open-minded."

• Polly Filler "Homovorophobia, not food labelling, is the problem". Grauniad, January 9, 2007

• Lance Thrust "Hey! Scientist! Leave that sheep alone!". Straight Times, December 31, 2006

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Uncyclopedia, CC-by-nc-sa 2.0. This was from yesterday. Jokes nicked from fortyniner, thekumquat and adelpha.

Comments

[sister-stella.livejournal.com]

roflmao
I love you David. Thank you. :D

[wendolen.livejournal.com]

Dang, where's the source article? I was really looking forward to seeing what spawned this...

[bellinghman.livejournal.com]

I suspect it was this one (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2087-2524408,00.html).

(Note - the article is a black propaganda item by PETA that bears only a faint resemblance to what's actually going on. Example: no cutting open heads and attaching sensors to brains occurred - researchers actually just watched what sheep did - but PETA can't admit that much evil animal research™ doesn't actually cause any distress to animals so, as so often, they lie.)

[reddragdiva]

I hadn't actually seen that one! thekumquat noted fortyniner noting the 8% statistic and ran with it, and I nicked the jokes for this.

[bellinghman.livejournal.com]

Glory be!

(It must be that gay rams are the in thing. In where, I refuse to say.)

[reddragdiva]

Other rams, presumably.

[bellinghman.livejournal.com]

See, I was refusing to say that.

[wendolen.livejournal.com]

I grew up in a rural area, and was a member of a 4-H (http://www.4husa.org/) club and knew members of other 4-H clubs. I heard a terrible story once (may have been apocryphal, but I believe it) that at one of the annual county fairs, PETA activists showed up and started letting people's rabbits and guinea pigs out of their cages. Of course, a lot of these fluff-brained little beasts were subsequently trampled to death -- now there's some ethical treatment of animals.

[sexycamelia.livejournal.com]

Thank you for link. The article is very informative.

[reddragdiva]

Added, plus bellinghman's suggested link.

[wendolen.livejournal.com]

I like your title for his suggested link. :)

[lovelybug.livejournal.com]

*laughs loudly* You rule!

[reddragdiva]

The thing that amazed me in all this was Norman bloody Tebbit coming across as being within a thousand miles of a voice of reason by comparison.