Harry Potter revealed to be "heterosexual".

[reddragdiva]

I cast magic missile. Baybee.

HOGWARTS, Hogsmeade, Friday (UNN) — Famous fanfic writer J.K. Rowling today revealed that, contrary to all expectations, the legendary boy wizard Harry Potter is heterosexual.

The Fanfic Writers of the Future winner made the admission during a question and answer session with fans at New York's Carnegie Hall.

She was asked by one young fan if Potter finds "true love and an mpreg ass-baby" implanted by Draco Malfoy or, perhaps, Severus Snape.

"Harry is straight," Rowling replied to gasps and applause. She said he was smitten with Ginny Weasley, whom he held a sick obsession with despite long and ardorous nights with his erstwhile companion Ron, Ginny's older brother.

She also noted Snape's severe homophobic response to the outrageously camp old queen Dumbledore at the end of book six. "Sam will kill him if he tries anything."

Writers of fanfic about fanfic were inconsolable. "There's no way this can be canon," sniffed middle-aged Essex housewife Hermione Luna Ginevra Bloggs (name legally changed from Tracey). "She really just doesn't have a feel for these characters at all."

Midwestern church members said this only added to the criticism of the books. "The witchcraft was bad enough. How can our children become good, God-fearing Republicans if their heroes aren't tapping feet under toilet doors?" Rowling noted that she was literally richer than the Queen of England and cackled at the fundies' ever-expanding polyester-clad backsides.

"Thank fuck," said Daniel Radcliffe. "I might finally get my end in."

• Daniel Radcliffe "This Horse Cock's For You". Equus, October 19, 2007

Comments

[friend-of-tofu.livejournal.com]

You, sir, have quite outdone yourself with this one.