No baby for you! We come back, tomorrow morning!

The contractions hit fifty seconds long around ten, so arkady called the midwives again and they left again around half past midnight. Arkady is still only dilated one centimetre, though the cervix is a lot softer. We'll try some more of that "sleep" stuff we've read so much about.

As the paint grows.

Day 3. Still no baby. Ate the last of the midwives. Despite arkady's ridiculously high pain threshold, we can see progress in that she is showing signs of mild discomfort.

My birth mother, Helen, phoned, and she and Arkady spoke for the first time. They had a lovely chat and got along well, and Arkady wins at mother-in-law. Helen also just happens to be a retired nurse and midwife. I apparently took a couple of days as well.

We went down the high street today and didn't kill all the chavs. Saw a pair of dykealikes in suits and New Rocks this afternoon. Most cheering.

We are so tired. And bored.