I love you! Now me! I love you!

[reddragdiva]

• I have been greatly enjoying Uncyclopedia (the one with the beard from the other universe) and have greatly extended the article on Vegemite. See also air guitar, Scotland, George W. Bush, Margaret Thatcher, The Pope, Bands with only one song, RTFM, banned from the Internet, Wikipedia, LiveJournal, All Your Base Are Belong To Us.

• I recommend duranorak's new kittensounds music rant blog.

arkady's business cards have arrived and are apparently fantastic. BUY A DOLLY.

I hang out in a volatile social group of goths whose relationship spans are often measured in weeks and who play musical partners a lot. I've conspicuously had the same wife and the same girlfriend for two years. So people ask me about polyamory. (The idea that I am what passes for an expert opinion is genuinely frightening.)

In most cases I fear discouragement is probably the right answer — "You know how much work one girlfriend is? Two is ten times as much." — but I think I've got the key question: "If you see the love of your life kissing someone else and being genuinely happy to be doing so, will you be genuinely happy about it for them? If not, you probably shouldn't get into this."

Many people quite like the idea of a selection of lovers, but balk when you point out the opposite applies. The capacity for compersion/frubbliness/other-less-contrived-sounding-word is the vital thing. Not necessarily for everyone or all the time, but at all. Otherwise they won't be happy in this sort of arrangement.

Have I discovered the Polyamorist's Philosopher's Stone?

Comments

[ashbet]

I love their entry on Goths, especially the "Feeding Habits" bit ;>

>>>"You know how much work one girlfriend is? Two is ten times as much."

Gods, yes, although I do agree that it's equally worth it, most of the time ;>

>>>but I think I've got the key question: "If you see the love of your life kissing someone else and being genuinely happy to be doing so, will you be genuinely happy about it for them? If not, you probably shouldn't get into this."

Late-replying, as per usual . . .

I think the real key is slightly left of center on this one -- "Do you feel secure enough in your relationship with the love of your life that you can be genuinely happy at the thought of them falling in love with someone else?"

I'm very compersion-oriented in general (I cannot BRING myself to say "frubbly," I'm sorry), and I've been genuinely happy to see a love of mine kissing (or more!) with someone else, but what I've found is that the 'jealousy is a function of insecurity/fear of loss' trope is very true -- as long as I'm happy with my relationship and I feel like there's going to be 'enough there' for me, I have no issues at all with sharing . . . but if I'm uncertain of my lover's affections or intentions, then it causes that hurtful little heart-pang . . .

The reason I'm saying that this is a bit closer to the actual 'key' is the difference, to me, between poly and 'open relationships' -- I'm much more sensitive to the idea of my partner *loving* someone else than *sleeping with* someone else.

And, TBH, I'm perfectly happy with my partner loving someone else, as long as there's enough left for *me* -- I just think that a lot of people don't take into account the fact that polyamory is about multiple *romantic* relationships, and they get wibbly when they realize that their partner might not just be physically intimate with someone else, but *emotionally* intimate as well -- they really have to be comfortable with the idea that another person could be *just as loved* as they are.

In the end, I've pretty much figured out that I am poly, but I'm personally a lousy secondary ;P

-- A, who's a multi-primary-partner kind of girl, a situation which I'm sure you're quite familiar with *grin*

[reddragdiva]

Yeah. I'll see if I can work all that into a concise and probing question when people ask me stuff like this ;-)

[ashbet]

Er, you're right, it is a bit hard to make it concise . . . maybe something along the lines of, "Okay, you can imagine your significant other kissing someone else with comfort . . . but are you comfortable with the idea that the other person might become as important to them as you are?"

-- A, not especially coherent with this, but I think it's an important point!

[reddragdiva]

"... without dumping you, even slightly?" I think we might have it ;-D

[ashbet]

*nodnod* I believe we do!!

-- A :>